...and then there were 5

We were a group of 6 children, abandoned in an apartment complex on the outskirts of San Diego, CA in 1971. The oldest of us was 9; I was the youngest and 8 months old. Social services placed us all in separate homes by two's, the two oldest boys, the two younger boys, and my sister and I. Some of us had it good, as far as foster homes go, some of us not so good. After four years, we were handed back to our biological mother for a trial period, and during that time our last names were changed to Jones and we were taken out of California to live out our childhood in hidden torture. We all left "home" very young, very tough, and much scarred.
A week ago I said my forever goodbye to the first of us siblings. Jeff was a happy-go-lucky kind of guy, an artist, and an excellent cook. He met a wonderful woman with children and they eventually added one to the brood. He had a problem with alcohol though; it claimed his liver, and eventually helped claim his life. He always felt guilty for leaving me...even asking for me before he slipped away. We lost track of each other when he left "home," but a few years later we reconnected. I was 16, and at a festival in NM (The Great Enchilada Festival haa haa) when I heard my name being called. I tried not to turn around because I didn't go by that name anymore, but recognized his voice and turned to see my brother again. He kept track of me from then on, even attending the church where my foster dad ministered. I'm happy he's no longer in pain, sad to see him go, and just a tad bit jealous that he got to see Jesus first...I sure will miss him.
I left for TX the night Jeff passed away. (Thanks to my siesta's who prayed my hoopdie down there and back.) I stayed with my adopted parents in Trinidad, CO Friday night and a foster brother in NM Saturday night. Sunday I arrived in TX. It broke my heart seeing my sis-in-law. I hugged her neck and choked back tears. Soon my biological mother arrived. As I walked passed her to hug my brother, she asked when I was going to arrive. When all heads turned toward me, she guessed who I was. :) It was such a strange feeling to be around this woman who tortured us as children, the woman from whom I tried so hard to earn love. As she stood there staring at me while ringing her hands, I realized I didn't need her, or her approval, or her love for that matter...the tables had now turned as she waited for me to turn my attention toward her. I said "hi" and listened to her talk and walked away...that was it. I didn't talk to her again. I didn't need to. I heard her stories and realized she is still a narcissistic, psychotic, pathological liar, and I didn't feel the need to respect her for any loss she might feel...I KNOW Jeff wouldn't either. I understand that sounds harsh, but had she owned up to anything instead of disrespecting his memory by telling lies, I would have respected her for simply being a human being who gave birth to a fabulous little boy who she had to say goodbye to far too early.
It was a strange time to say the least; a time of facing fears, enduring heartbreak, realizing who I am now apart from who I used to be, and a time of sad but sweet good-byes. However, during this time, I gained a deep need to know the paternal side of my family, and I am now on a hunt...this part to be continued.
I know this is long, and not exactly happy, but I wanted to share it anyway. Thanks for bearing with me.

It's Like Coming Home

THE FARM (Isn't it cute!)

My friend Janice and I went to Kansas City, Missouri on a road trip to attend the International House of Prayer and another church there, as well as to have a little fun. On our way, we stopped just outside Colby, Kansas to stay overnight with some very dear people I know, visit a little, and be on our way.

In my youth I was in a home for homeless & "throw-away" teens called The Lighthouse for Girls. Marvin & Topper were the directors of the home. The home is no longer there, but Marvin & Topper are still there, doing Kingdom business from a little farm. After I put my stuff down, I held Topper and said "it feels like home." She said "well, y'are home". Melted my heart! (I can still hear the Kansas twang in her beautiful voice now as I think back.) It was late, so Topper was off to bed, and told us she needed to be up at 5:30 to bottle feed the calves. I gasped "I wanna help!" She said "no, you don't, you need to sleep in, it's awfully early." I could hardly sleep that night waiting to hear the shuffling of early morning feet...finally I heard her up and jumped out of bed ready to feed calves if I had to do it in my jammies! She told me to go back to bed, they would go out at 7:30. I was too excited to sleep though, I was dressed and ready in seconds. I miss the "chores" of farm life. It's like really living...I don't know how else to explain it. Here's some pics of the little guys we fed. They were taken with my cell phone, so they aren't that great, but the calves are just adorable!

Below are the cows about a year after bottle feeding. It's so cute, M&T said they don't ever have to herd the cattle, they just call and the cows follow. They were debating coming up so we could pet them, but they eventually did...and I was licked by their cat-like tongues...gross, but so cool! And their horses...ohhhhh...so beautiful!

Our stop in Kansas was probably the highlight of my trip. I'm not far from M&T, but sadly I don't often visit. Strange how that is, considering how much I love my people and how fun their place is.

So M&T always load me up with books & devotionals & study material every time I am there...they crack me up. They loaded Janice up too. Well, on our way to Kansas City, MO, I was reading one of the books they gave us out loud. :) We were so into the book that neither one of us realized that so much time had passed until we heard the clunk of the engine just OUTSIDE Topeka...haa haa. We were out of gas. My carpanion was a bit stressed out, but I was having a great time on the side of the highway, and I knew help was on the way...and it was, we were rescued in about 30 minutes. Things never seem to go as planned, but when away from the regular stresses of every day life, to me, it's all adventure. :D

My adventure didn't end there. IHOP is such an amazing place of 24/7 prayer and worship. I wrote down many of the words to the music that was being sung as if it was the Lord singing it to me. I could have stayed there for hours on end, and the next time I go alone, I certainly will. One thing I know now more than ever, His hand was over us everywhere we went, and in everything that was sung & spoken over me during the time I was there. He was thinking of me (Psalm 139:17) and at this very moment I am so aware of it! He just never ceases to amaze me, and I pray that some day I will amaze Him right back.

Ahh New Year

I always love the beginning of a new year. It's not that I really think that I get a clean slate, because God doesn't change at the start of a new year, only my mindset...for however long that may be. I just love the feeling that starting over brings...especially when just about everyone else in the world is doing it too.

Last year was pretty rough for me. I attended some events that lifted my spirit and broke my heart all at the same time. I attended other events and received answers to prayers and became closer to people I knew and didn't know (but should have). I saw death...listening to the sobs and strained voice of a dear friend who lost her mother with no warning; I held my best friends hand as she struggled through the death of her marriage, I said goodbye to a woman of God unlike any I have ever met before. I saw life...rekindling two friendships I had lost touch with 25 years ago. I finally let go of a job I had no business clinging to; and, though it doesn't make sense, I am happy & blessed. I make less money than I have since my 20's, but God has blessed me so much in these last 3 months I have not missed a dime! When I say 2010 was rough...I mean it was rough...I'm just going to be straight and get it all out there. It was almost the end of me. My health was taking a fast plunge...among other things, and I put on a smile pretending everything was fine, but I had given up...emergency prayer chain kind of given up (ps...thanks for the prayers...my hand's waiving...yep...it was me). This past year is one I am running from.

On to the new year. I don't want to make any resolutions; but, I do want to be resolved to live my life with the Lord in charge. I want to fine tune my senses. I want to see what He sees, hear what He wants me to hear, and be obedient doing what He wants me to do. I want to sense His presence, that's all. Sounds simple, but I know it wont be. I may keep you posted along the way too...how about that? ;)

I hope we all have the greatest new year ever.

Success

I was given a task to do two poems for REACH (a ministry reaching out to the Aurora, CO community). I figured after the last three weeks I've had, it's probably best to pull from the Stoker archives. However, I felt a little guilty doing that, so I sat down and wrote one before I headed there. I thought I'd share it with whomever may be passing through. :)

Success

Once told "the sky is the limit"

We watched that story change minute by minute

Endlessly searching for perfect occupation

To acquire a nice car, house, expensive vacation.

Where did the "musts" of society creep in?

Youth never held obligation to give in.

Did desire drown with increasing association?

Keeping up with the Joneses, charging to credit inflation.

Now caught up in societies military-like formation.

It is not just you, it is the entire nation.

Success is not the car or the house,

it is not the bank account, the number of children,

or whether or not you have a spouse.

It is that first glance toward heaven as you open your eyes.

It is setting aside all of societies lies.

It is realizing the passion you had from the start.

It is finishing the race with all of your heart.

It is becoming the hero you knew you would once be.

It is knowing the world doesn't begin and end with me.

Another Journey

I've been on plenty of journey's before, and I am always up for a new challenge, so I began another one last Tuesday. August 1st I will be doing a triathlon (Tri-for-the-Cure). I used to love doing runs, but somehow got away from them and gained so much weight it was scary to even think of doing one again. So the week before last I decided it was time to get back in shape. Actually, I decided a very long time ago, but lacked the motivation to do it. Well, when the Tri came up, I grabbed on. I figured this was something that would propel me into actually getting something done. Well, 50 days from the race I realized nothing was really done; so, I asked my best friend (who is doing the tri with me) if she would do intensive training with me and she agreed. So, I've been working out 5-6 times a week doing two bricks at a time...like biking 12 miles and running/walking 3+ miles, or swimming 1/2 mile and running.... Once a week I work out at the gym to build my core, and I take Sundays off. It's been fun, but a lot of work.

I am also eating a raw diet...and absolutely loving it. In fact I spent much of the day trying out recipes...some new, some I have done before...I remember how much I love eating raw. Here's my dinner tonight: I made cheese perogies, cauliflower couscous, and a salad with mock tuna. The cheese is made with nuts, nama shoyu, and red pepper, so it's not really cheese and the outside is jicama. The mock tuna is made with soaked and ground sunflower seeds, but there is dulce in it that makes it taste sort of like tuna...it's an awesome replacement. The cauliflower is the couscous and has a yummy blend of parsley, mint, and cilantro mixed with lemon and olive oil. My fam tends to worry when I eat this way. I get questions like "how are you getting your protein" and my friend asked how I was getting carbs for energy. Well, it's all right there...nuts and seeds=protein, and probably more than most get eating a steak for dinner, tomato = fruit, veggies of course, jicama & carrots = carbs (any root veggie is a carb), only things missing are dairy & grains. We consume dairy products mainly for the calcium; but, calcium is not just milk, it is found in spinach, sesame seeds, bok choy, almonds, and many other foods. In the same way, grains are not necessarily needed because one can get all the nutrients needed from other foods. So, I'm staying healthy, and for my Friday weigh-in, I actually lost 6lbs.
Now, I'm not gung-ho on all this, I actually allow myself one meal a week to splurge; however, for the sake of recovery, I will make sure the meal is healthy...this week I had Indian food (eggplant masaala stuff over rice), and next week my sister is coming over for sushi (and I will introduce her to a couple raw dishes). :) I just want my body to feel its absolute best when I head out to participate in this triathlon.
I have a way to go, but I am back on the right track, and excited about it.

His Hand of Protection

"For He will give His angels charge concerning you, to guard you in all your ways" (PS 91:11)

I am forever amazed at the vast amount of protection I have had over my life.
Ever stop to wonder "what if..."? I have...far more often than I would like to admit. During my glimpse of the past this weekend, I was struck with the realization of exactly what could have happened "if only." Praise God He knows better than I which way is best. His word says "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." (Isaiah 55:8-9) While I struggled throughout life in various ways and made choices (good and bad); as my life was shuffled here and there, He never failed to go before me, to guide, guard, and protect me. Right now, I am at a place beyond all awareness and understanding, that His hand was over me the entire time.
Lord, You are everything to me! There is no way I could ever repay You, or even thank You enough for who You are in my life. I ADORE YOU!!!!

Glimpse of the Past & Hope for the Future

Glimpse of the Past

About 3 weeks ago I saw a facebook update from someone I have known since I was 13. She updated her status with something like...headed to Denver to see my son. So I asked if we could meet for coffee...and we met at a coffee shop called Corino's. It just happened to be a day when a group was playing live worship in the coffee house...amazing. We have written to each other since I met her...real mail even...lol. Since I have kept every letter & just about every card ever written/sent to me since 1985 (in binders in chronological order), I brought most of her letters for her to read again. It was fun watching her go through and remember. Her son and I talked while she poured over the past and suddenly she stopped looked up and began to read again out loud "I am so glad you turned out to be" then she stopped again, held my face in her hands, looked me square in the eyes, and started over "I'm so glad you turned out to be such a beautiful young lady with goals and dreams." She said "you were one person I could never let go of, you had so many obstacles to overcome." Overcome I did, but only by the grace of God. Life got crazy after I met her, and it was and still is such a great thing to have her in my life.

Another glimpse was meeting two of my friends from 25 years ago. Debbie came out to attend the Deeper Still conference with me, and Victoria lives in a Denver suburb, we just haven't ever seen each other. Seeing both of them was like seeing them a week after we parted...it was as if time was stilled...they even looked the same! I love it! We all got together last night and were up VERY late talking and reminiscing. It's amazing to look back and actually be able to see the hand of God guiding, directing, protecting, and delivering. I am amazed by Him, and so honored to see my friends after all this time.

Hope for the Future

These were my lovely guests for the weekend. Left to right: Holly Smith, Debbie Helker, Melana Cummings, and me.

This past weekend was all about going deeper in God. I have struggled for about a month with where I am in life, where I want to be, and really if this is all worth the struggle. I told Holly not long before the conference that I really need to hear from God. I don't know how to begin to tell all that this weekend has meant to me.

We sat on my balcony early Friday morning, and each of us shared our expectations for this event. I wasn't the only one with a tall order and the Lord had some work to do. Not one of us was disappointed in the least. Friday evening, Kay Arthur spoke on shattered dreams. One of the first things she said was "is your ambition to please God, or to fulfill your longing." Right then and there, I knew we were headed for a doozie of a weekend. Friday night Debbie and I were up fairly late. We couldn't stop talking about what we had learned and just processing it all. I recall leaning over my bed and looking at her and telling her exactly where I was, and not only was every issue I had addressed by Priscilla Shirer the next day, she actually said word for word what I had said to Debbie the night before...word for word. I could hardly pull myself together after all was said and done. I am so glad they provided napkins in the box lunch because I cried while I ate...really, all I wanted was to lay out on the floor and pour my heart out to God. EVERYTHING Priscilla said hit me like a ton of bricks; but, the one thing I will cling to was the statement "The treasure is not in the discovery of His will, but in the journey in finding it." She spoke of the gap between the present and the calling, that it is the margin He has placed there to set us up to equip us, and having that gap creates the capacity for God to move. The last speaker was Beth Moore. The one thing I took from her teaching was to remain "Coram Deo - Before the face of God".

I felt so blessed to be able to hear the teaching of 3 awesome individuals, and even more blessed that the Lord joined us in our balcony & bed time conversations, and met each of us where we were. He is concerned with every aspect of our lives, and I am so very amazed by Him! It was a full weekend. Now to put it all into action, because I have a renewed hope for the future.